4/52

"A portrait of my child, once a week, every week, in 2014."

She is currently on day eleven of a mean and persistent little cold. It hasn't stopped her from her usual wild play, but every so often, that glazed look comes over her, and my heart aches that I can't take her place. On another note, her curls have become completely untamable...

10 things i'm grateful for

1. Guilty pleasure TV shows

2. Vanilla coconut yogurt

3. Home-made granola--both the heavenly scent of it baking, and the yumminess when eating it

4. Julie's set of children's handbells (thank you bestie!). The handbell nerd in me has been re-awakened!

5. How protective our cat, Prudence is of Julie. It's the sweetest thing

6. Julie's developing sense of humor. There is so much laughter in our lives

7. That my husband and I share the same, quirky sense of humor. It's bizarre sometimes, and I like it

8. The feeling of relief when a wretched cold is on its way out

9. Baby/toddlerwearing. It rules

10. A day well lived

mothering through sickness

Julie and I are on day eight and nine, respectively, of a miserable cold. As of yesterday, James has succumbed, as well. We have been lucky to have had minimal illnesses for eighteen months, but starting last month, everything has come at once. Fever, croup, and now this cold, which insists on dragging on for all of us. I know every parent knows the pain of this acutely, but there is nothing worse than a sick child. It breaks my heart. And then, there is the reality of parenting when you are sick yourself. To put it simply, it sucks.

When I was in school, I would look at my cats happily napping their days away, and be overcome with jealousy. Now, I look at anyone who can recover in bed, watching movies, and napping whenever the need hits, with that same envy. To be able to recover in bed seems like the biggest luxury in the world. (Right alongside sleeping in and spontaneous dates).

I love being a mother more than anything in the world. I have wanted this baby for as long as I can remember, and I am awash in gratitude every day. But...it is truly the hardest job--far beyond anything I ever could have imagined. There are moments when I feel like I cannot possibly go on. That I am too exhausted, stressed, sick, and have nothing more to give. It is then that my daughter reaches for me, rests her sweaty little head on my shoulder, and murmurs "Huggy". Or she cries and cries for me in the middle of the night, for only mommy will do. And in those moments, I find that there is an infinite well of strength within me fueled by love incalculable.

3/52

"A portrait of my child, once a week, every week, in 2014."

Her newest obsession is her learning tower. She will spend countless moments at the kitchen counter, pouring, mixing, "cooking". She must have her favorite pair of my sunglasses on, though. This is a

given.

2/52

"A portrait of my child, once a week, every week, in 2014."

Mostly, she lives in a state of unbridled joy. She cracks herself up regularly, letting out mighty laughs that sometimes bring her tumbling to the ground. This only serves to bring on another fit of giggles. But there are the moments in between when she suddenly becomes pensive, and I am left to wonder at the mystery of what has captured her mind so.

10 things i'm grateful for

1. My cookbook library (I read these books like they're novels)

2. Julie's new learning tower/pod (Thank you Grandpa!)

3. Time to sit down with tea and silly reality TV while baby is napping

4. An amazing teacher and group of moms and kids at our parent-child class

5. Vegan chirashi-zushi. Yum, yum, yum...

6. Having a dishwasher. I'm grateful for this daily

7. That feeling when embarking on a fun, new project--butterflies, extra energy, pure happiness

8. Chocolate anything

9. Re-connecting with old friends after the years have flown by

10. Perfect sunsets

confessions of a recovering perfectionist

I will be the first to admit that I am terribly hard on myself. Although it's true that sometimes I get carried away, and extend this to others--especially those people that I am close to--it is still nothing compared to the impossible standards that I often set for myself. There is no realm that this perfectionism does not touch. Motherhood? Check. Breastfeeding? Check. Birthing? Exercise? New projects? Relationships? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Eating a healthy diet, and getting to my ideal body type hover very high on this list. This perfectionism is pervasive and can be endless. It also creates enormous anxiety and it is about as far from loving as could be.

Every time a new year rolls around, I will buy a new journal, reveling in its untouched quality, and fill the first few pages with a gigantic list of resolutions. I will sit back after the work is done, look over the list, and feel exhausted by the year ahead, and anxious at the thought that I just may not be able to deliver. What a way to start the new year.

This year, I have toned things way down. There is no new journal--the old one, complete with messy scribblings and big feelings from last year will do just fine. Most importantly, I only have one resolution, and it's more of what I consider to be my life's work.

My resolution is to live authentically and with love. I will learn to love myself enough that that love then radiates out into the world and shines its light on those around me. I will go out into the world with this love filling my heart, so that I can love others through every interaction big and small. I will love myself when I mess up, am not my ideal weight, eat junky food, feel lonely, angry, or lost. And I will set an example for my precious daughter that this--love--is truly all that matters. It really is.